Just pensive...

...It's been a while I know

Have had so much to think about; DS turned 6 which for the first year I can remember I felt ecstatic about rather than panicked that my baby was growing up too fast. Of course he is growing up too fast and getting cleverer by the day and one day he will, quite surprisingly Im sure, be about 28 and I'll still be singing 'yummy yummy yummy I got love in my tummy' at him as he rolls his eyes and examines me suspiciously for further signs that I've been on the sherry...
But a strange, bizarre feeling has come over me in the last month. It is one of peace and I just know that everything will be ok. I have to say, I never thought that I would feel this way until a baby was plopped into my arms. But I do. I really really am happy with my fantastic family and I feel calm.

DH and I were given a huge reality check with the literature we bought regarding adoption; it was hugely motivating to read about adoption stories but also incredibly daunting to learn more about the process. The bare bones of it all. I think we knew that we would be placed under enormous scrutiny (I am not unaware of social services from a professional point of view) but I don't think it occured to us for one single minute that my postnatal depression could impact on their decision to place a child with us...
DS was such a long waited for child, after my pregnancy losses it was surreal that I was even carrying a term baby, that my anxiety levels were massively high before the horrendous delivery, his admission to special care at day 2 where they queried meningitis and burned his foot with a calcium infusion followed by my breastfeeding woes that I finally lost the plot entirely...Convinced that the best plan was for me to move out and after being terrified for weeks that not only was I a useless mother (how could I ever be good enough for this miracle baby??) but that I would harm my baby, I finally confided in my GP who was fantastic - I was referred for CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) and never looked back. I now consider myself a normal mum in that I feel permanently guilty for every decision I make :o)

I 100% agree that social services need to ensure that they are placing children with the right families and that those families can support them and their needs but it was still a bit of a blow. I immediately froze at the idea of continuing down the adoption path - it was too much that I had 'failed' biologically at providing another child for my family, I absolutely could not consider failing again because of my mental health history.
So there I sat for a while. Pondering. Wondering. Procrastinating. Until it occured to me that actually, we said the Autumn and it's not even Summer. We have a holiday planned for August that we're all really excited about and plenty of time to decide our way forward. We've also veered off from the notion that we would be adding to our family - providing a sibling for DS - and are now thinking much more in terms of being able to give a fantastic life to a child that may not ordinarily have been given the opportunity.

And that's a really big deal...