Wednesday 25 January 2012

Up and Down and Round and Round...

Some days are ok and some days are completely crap...

I find myself wondering whether I'm really living in some sort of soap opera - that I been given these incredibly difficult, impossible even, decisions to make when it seems like the rest of the World get to decide whether they add to their family or not... Fancy that - a choice! How on Earth do you make such massive decisions? And what if you cock it up and get it wrong?
I realise, when I'm feeling rational, that there are plenty of women who find themselves unable to have children and as I constantly have to remind myself when feeling particularly sad/angry - I have a DS and I am incredibly lucky.
DS has been nagging for a brother or sister (preferably a sister so he can pinch and use everything she owns that's remotely pink and sparkly, I'm sure...) for the last couple of years. It makes me weep (literally sometimes) that I cannot give him this one little thing. I think that the guilt is something that can really get to you. I feel guilty to my DS that I can't provide some company for him and I go through days when I feel like a 'dud', a 'reject' and feel sorry that my DH got stuck with me for a wife. For the record, he would have a massive problem with me saying that - I know that he loves me and is incredibly supportive.

Lately DH and I have been discussing adoption as well as egg donation. I'm not sure that adoption doesn't sit slightly better with me but at this point, I just cannot make a decision and my brain is packed full of all the variables... Do we try a round of egg donation? How will I feel about a child that is genetically not mine but is my husband's? Do we feel we could adopt a child? What if we weren't successful at either? How would our families feel about it all? How would DS feel? And....the big one... What if we do absolutely nothing and move forward with the life we have?

DH and I have a lot to think about and in the meantime, I'll cope as I always do - crying a bit, using humour a bit and thinking a lot. It's probably just as well that the night sweats wake me at around 3.30am every morning - afterall, I have a lot of decisions to make...

While researching donor eggs, I found a really good website that goes through the emotional aspects, find it here -  http://www.4therapy.com/life-topics/parenting/pregnancy/infertility-and-emotional-aspects-having-child-through-donor-eggs-23

I have one recommendation at this juncture - hang on to good friends and talk to them lots. Good friends are those that listen and say very little and are just there to support you. Getting your head around things is hard enough without everyone around you having an opinion. There's nothing worse than a friend (who has happily completed her family) telling you how you should feel.

So, onwards and upwards - we have an appointment with our consultant in March to discuss my latest blood results and egg donation and then we also have, in the same month, an open evening on adoption so am going to spend the next few weeks looking forward to getting more information and hopefully, in doing so, getting closer to the outcome that's right for us...

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